my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
