we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
