Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
