you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Let's get the cat blown out
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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