Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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