she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
