Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You dont lie about slip and slides
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
