I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Be still, my beating vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
