my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
