if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
