Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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