3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
