Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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