remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I bet he comes in French.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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