Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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