That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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