Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
