I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
