bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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