I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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