my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
