Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize