So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Welp...herpes.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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