He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
