my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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