At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
