Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
