she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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