i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
