Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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