I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
