Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
