I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
