First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
