Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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