is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
