I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
