Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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