A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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