I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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