last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
