I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
