My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
