2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
