I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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