hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
