I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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