I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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