looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
