So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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