I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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