The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
