please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
