Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I don't deserve a penis
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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