i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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