I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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