Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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