I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
