my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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