Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
handjob tips. give me some.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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