this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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