I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
