there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
